@Dil_Tron

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

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@TragicAllyHere

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

@hippieswordfish

weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount

@YuckyTom

[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]

@SnizzleFrizzle

My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.

Too bad it’s neither of them.

@gerryhatric

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

@TheDreamGhoul

When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them

@TheTobbie

Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…

@trumpetcake

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

@timdonakowski

“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs

@Phook75

If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them