Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Coffee is ready.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.