Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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weird that u can die from drinkin too much water but also die from not drinking enough water. Also u will die even drinking the right amount
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My kids are 23 and 13 and they still argue about who is my favorite. Warms my heart.
Too bad it’s neither of them.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Remember when you were at a friend’s house & their folks fought & you didn’t know where to look? It’s how I get when Glee does a rap song…
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them