Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
You Might Also Like
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.