As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
You Might Also Like
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE