According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
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Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
⛄️
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
2 years later
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
🤣🤣🤣