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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
It’s a dark stormy night.
You’re scared & alone.
You hear a bump in the night.
Then your cat comes in the house drunk.
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”