Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus

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Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!


Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!

Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it


It’s a dark stormy night.
You’re scared & alone.
You hear a bump in the night.
You jump!
You scream!
Then your cat comes in the house drunk.


once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches


I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.


I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.


[Opens a beer at the park]

“Dude. There’s kids here.”

Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER


If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.


“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”

“We’re still married, Grandma.”

“She’s such a lovely girl.”