Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
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Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.