@StephenKing

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

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@occupied_stall

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

@continentlbkfst

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

@DanMentos

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen

@Just_BCS

Wine – you’re gonna sleep good

Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.

Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.

@E_lok44

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

@TheTweetOfGod

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

@StevieKnip

Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

MISSING CAT??
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.