Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
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When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
There is no try. There is only give up.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”