Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

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If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.


Friend: whats wrong

Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific


It was definitely Adam and Steve – what kind of straight man hangs out in a garden??


When a girl tells you how many guys she’s slept with, multiply by 3 and add the number of guys in her phone named Tyler


[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training


I just want someone who’s willing to barge into my funeral dressed in a hazmat suit screaming, “WE GOT THE AUTOPSY RESULTS BACK! YOU’VE ALL BEEN EXPOSED TO…” then dramatically drop dead while all the doors slam shut.


At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.


The upside to having kids is how you’re able to use them as an excuse to cancel unwanted plans


Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time