I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
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Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Wine – you’re gonna sleep good
Beer – you’re probably going to hit on your cousin.
Whiskey – everyone will see your genitals.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
cats be like I know a spot then sit on your throat
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.