Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
My work here is don’t.
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten