Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
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The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
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Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.