Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
You Might Also Like
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
he chose this
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.