Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

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Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce


You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier


I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.


One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.


Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?



God: Get Noah on the line.


* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”


Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays


3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.