Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
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My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
decorating my apartment
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
WWE is French for “yes”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.