@RunOldMan

Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.

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@bossy_bootz

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

@Staggfilms

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

@Jandalize

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

@TheNardvark

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

@PatsATweetin

Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?

God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.

Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?

God:

Angel:

God: Get Noah on the line.

@TheAlexP

* wishes on shooting star

” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”

@DaddyJew

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*

Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?

Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.