Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
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I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate