Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
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“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Weirdly Wednesday.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely