Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
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A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.