Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
A friend helps you before you need it
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.