Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.

Other times they’re awake.


A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.


Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.


I hope one day to have the chance to whisper “what’s she doing here?” to the person next to me at a funeral.


On the list of things I’ve learned today:

1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes


Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.


“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]