Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
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I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Owl Sanctuary
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
This is amazing.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.