Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
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Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.