BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
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I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners