Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
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[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot