@Sassafrantz

Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.

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@Eagle_Vision

I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.

@iinkedZombie

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

@LlamaInaTux

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

@SuperTeeWhy

Jaws (2015):
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”

@Mikecanrant

So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon

Dating is hard.

@OllyiConic

CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah

@ericsshadow

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

@LizerReal

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?