I dreamed I was floating in an ocean of soda, but when I awoke I realized it was just a Fanta Sea.
Becky on FB is “too blessed to be stressed” so I told her that I slept with her boyfriend.
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Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
The opposite of Death Note is obviously Live Journal.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“(cell phone) Hi Coast Guard, yeah a shark is banging my boat oh you’re on your way great thanks”
So carrying a “wet floor” sign and putting it down immediately after using your best pickup line on a woman is frowned upon
Dating is hard.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
HITMAN: an accident
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
HITMAN: that was a joke
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?