[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
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Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Saint West, the patron of selfies
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy