If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
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I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
I am, perchance
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.