@fivethirtyeight

Becoming hard to tell difference between credible news organizations like 4chan and troll sites like New York Post.

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@Half_Mex75

How the hell is the director of the CIA unable to hide an affair?

@MsSkarsgaard

Them: How can you hate someone you’ve never met?

Me: Oh. I can read.

@Dawn_M_

“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”

@david8hughes

“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”

@gg21462

The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing

@stuckinaportal

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

@1970RobD

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN