Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
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Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
🔦🌙👣
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?