@BeagirlNJ

{bedazzling my new tee shirt}

DO NOT RESUSCITATE

You Might Also Like

@mrjohndarby

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

@BuckyIsotope

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

@simoncholland

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@sad_tree

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

@KLC47

@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.

@Marlebean

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.

@chuuew

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

@T_Bonezzz

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier