{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Seas the day!!!!
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas