[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
You Might Also Like
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Yeah. This was me today.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?