[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
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Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.