[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
You Might Also Like
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Happy Star Wars day!
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.