Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
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“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
i think both sides are to blame here
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.