@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

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@kumailn

Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”

@HomeProbably

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

@murrman5

“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son

@SteveSuckington

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

@_wangwe

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

@KKBowls

Me: damn, doc I’m losing my hair. What can you give me to keep it in?

Dr.: a plastic bag

@KylePlantEmoji

I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”

@BradSheffield

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

@FunnyBison

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*