tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”