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@bylinetd

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

@DrakeGatsby

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

@Gooooats

Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.

@LeslieInMpls

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

@Shen_the_Bird

a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do

@TheBoydP

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.

@HiddleDeeDee

6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.

@InternetHippo

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

@Fred_Delicious

How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists