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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.


Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!


Me on the Phone: I’m going to “work” from home today.
My Boss: I heard those air quotes.


The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.


a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do


My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!


HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?

ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.


6 to his brother: Hey man, all I want is some oatmeal and a nap.

It’s a joy raising an 80 year old man.


(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,


How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists