[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
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Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
My wedding will be open casket.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The point of your 20s
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.