@mean_spice

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

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@PLATINUM2000

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

@JohnFugelsang

Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.

@gruffybeard

The Jews probably would’ve wandered the desert for a lot less time if someone had just deleted Pokémon Go from Moses iPhone.

@1CleverGirl1

If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.

@TechnicallyRon

Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“No”
“What”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”

@Brittany_broski

this Uber is whipping me around doin 70 in a 40 and he’s still getting 5 stars because he hasn’t said a damn word to me . He knows

@flashember

[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir

BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD

@abbycohenwl

-You think I’d make a bad Private Eye ’cause I can’t read body language? I will prove you wrong!
-Sir, you’re talking to the murder victim