[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
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I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying