[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
The Joker was right
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
This could be us… but you playing
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.