Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
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Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
You think you got problems
I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti
Supper is ruined I tell you
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.
HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.