Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.