he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
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Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
This trial is so absurd 😭
I’m being attacked 😭
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!