[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
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4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.