Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids

Wife: When?

Me: Between 2 and 5

Wife: Ok

Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6

[being taken hostage]

*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest

So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.

Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?

i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand

That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

*first day as a cop*

What if they arrest me back

My support group can outdrink your support group.

Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.

started wrapping my pills in cheese

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

“and how does that make you feel?”

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.