Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no


10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

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*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil


I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.


Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”


Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now


Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks


Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”

7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”

Me: “Yes.”

[4 minutes later]

7yo: “What about pants?”


I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.


*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend

*keeps avoiding eye contact

*walks by friend

*hears friend calling name

*breaks into a run


[calls wife] honey help

‘whats wrong?’

im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit

‘ok just stop crying’


My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.