*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
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I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
*avoids eye contact until 10 ft from friend
*keeps avoiding eye contact
*walks by friend
*hears friend calling name
*breaks into a run
[calls wife] honey help
im done shopping at the door store but now i cant tell which one is the exit
‘ok just stop crying’
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.