[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.