@HughGoesThere

[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave

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@thedad

*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania

@dazedandsincere

Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.

What I heard: Ma’am

@Adityaneut01

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

@MrSandeepP

Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

Her: no

Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?

@amydillon

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

@mrjohndarby

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?