[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
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ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.