(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys