(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
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When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.