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God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
inventing words: clothing
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.