I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Son: Can you leave the light on?
Me: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
You Might Also Like
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
If I ever kill someone I’m dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like “oh yeah this makes sense.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
When you can’t afford a car with parking sensors.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE