[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Hotels are back
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on