[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
You Might Also Like
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
5 ways to appear taller
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away