@P_o_n_k

BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

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@SortaBad

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

@Elizasoul80

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

@chuuew

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

@KalvinMacleod

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

@theshantilly

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

@better_off_dad2

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

@seraphicpetal

I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”

10 : “Dopamine”

@JD_KC

The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”

@shkeeber

I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*