Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.
BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.
BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Him: What are you doing?
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
I asked my kids at dinner tonight, “What is something that makes you happy?”
10 : “Dopamine”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…
…and everything seems to be in order here.
*falls down/passes out*