Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
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I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Wasn’t this a cartoon.