BEE 1: You get 1 chance to sting someone, so make sure they’re a threat.

BEE 2: Well that guy’s over there walking.

BEE 1: He’s doing WHAT

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We’re all equal. But I’m more equal than you.


[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.


Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.


How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists


Two men came to the door asking if I’d found Jesus.

I had no idea he was missing and I suddenly got nervous thinking I might be a suspect.


M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.


if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas


“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.


every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget


After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.