[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
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You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*