3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
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As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I’ve pre-planned my funeral to include a 32 minute montage of the times I’ve accidentally waved hello to someone waving to someone behind me
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering
Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.