@trentistweeting

Bee Gees Songs:
Saturday Night Fever
Sunday Night Scurvy
Monday Night Measles
Tuesday Night Typhoid
Wednesday Night Whooping Cough

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@EJGomez

teacher: “there are no stupid questions”

me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

@WilliamRodgers

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

@Social_Mime

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

@brianbowman73

I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”

@Shade510

When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.

@raeraefairydust

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

@pixelatedboat

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

@GuyThe_Guy

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

@dadmann_walking

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

@CulturedRuffian

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!