Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
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I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
yeah 😭
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”