@TheCiscoKidder You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
@EndhooS [Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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@TheCiscoKidder 
@ThePocketJustin It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
@prufrockluvsong [me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
@Douchekevin Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.
@farleftcoast Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
@meganamram God making man in his image was the original selfie
@Cpin42 Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
@TheBoydP Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
@bornmiserable I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
@patnspankme my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus