@EndhooS

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

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@TheCiscoKidder

You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.

@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

@prufrockluvsong

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

@Douchekevin

Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.

@farleftcoast

Text from husband: Where are you at?

Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.

@Cpin42

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

@TheBoydP

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

@bornmiserable

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.