[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

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[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?


when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour


Coworker: I was named after my grandfather.

Me: Of course you were, he was born first.


Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?


Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.


It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.


friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid

me: wow, that’s hardcore


I wanna be the reason you get out of bed in the morning, even if it is to make sure the door is locked.