[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.