You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
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It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Girlfriend kept nagging me to take her home to meet my family, so I did. Her and my wife aren’t getting along.
Text from husband: Where are you at?
Me: Before I tell you let’s talk about ending sentences with prepositions.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus