[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
You Might Also Like
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
welp
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”