@EndhooS

Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

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@AmandasNotFunny

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

@ElleOhHell

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

@papasuncle

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

@figgled

Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

@ahamedweinberg

Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.

@fanofhell

Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar
Hamburglar: you’ve got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You’re thinking of hamburgerburglar

@IanKarmel

Everyone: I would like an outlet near my bed.
Hotels: Heres an iHome we bought when Bush was President.

@heiditron3000

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

@lloydrang

By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.